


Mean Angels

by Catopotato_22



Category: Mean Girls (2004), Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mean Girls Fusion, By Little Shit I Mean Scum-Sucking Road-Whore Who Ruined Charlie's Life, Castiel Learns a Life Lesson, Charlie Bradbury & Sam Winchester Friendship, Charlie and Sam being Nerds Together, Consensual Underage Sex, Dean Wincester is Really a Huge Sap, Dean Winchester is Not Heterosexual, Dean Winchester is The Princess, Especially Sam, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fat Shaming, Gabriel's Wings tell the Weather, Getting Hit by a Bus, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Jody Mills is Not a Drug Dealer, Kevin Tran Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Lucifer (Supernatural) is a Little Shit, M/M, Multi, Pining, Sam Winchester is Too Gay To Function, Slut Shaming, Underage Drinking, Vomiting, lilith is a pedophile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catopotato_22/pseuds/Catopotato_22
Summary: In high school, romance, friends, parties, and revenge plots can make you the most liked and disliked person at school. When Castiel Novak moves to Lawrence, Kansas, he finds that out the hard way. The homeschooled angel from Africa has to adjust to High School life and survive Junior year, without killing anyone.





	1. Chapter 1

It's typical for parents to cry on their kids first day of school. But that usually happens when the kid is in kindergarten. Up until today, I've been homeschooled. I know what you're thinking, homeschooled kids always weird, but my family is pretty normal. Aside from the fact that my parents are research zoologists and we've spent the last 14 years in Africa. I had a great life until my mom got offered tenure at Lawrence University, and it was goodbye Africa, hello high school.

\---

I sat down at my first-period class with Ms. Mills.

"Welcome back to another year kids, and I just want to let everyone know, we have a new student joining us. He moved all the way from Africa. Welcome to Lawrence, Casteel Novak."

"It's pronounced Castiel."

"Well, welcome Castiel."

That first day was a blur. I kept getting in trouble for random things. In science, I got up to use the bathroom, and was told I needed a "lavatory pass" and when I asked for one, they wouldn't let me have it. The adults no longer trusted me and yelled all the time. No eating in class, no reading ahead, no using the bathroom in class. And to top it off, I had no friends.

 

"Is that your natural eye color?" A tall, long-haired guy in a lot of layers of plaid looked me in the eyes as he turned around in his seat.

"Yeah." I clutched my books.

"They're gorgeous. That's the color I wish mine were"

"Uh... Thanks? I think your eyes suit you better."

"Sorry, that's Sam, he's almost too gay to function." A red-headed girl in a Star Wars shirt leaned over beside the tall guy, Sam. "I'm Charlie."

"I'm Castiel. Do you guys know where room G is? I have Health next." I showed them my printed out agenda.

Charlie smiled. "That's the back building. Right, Sam?"

"Yeah, we'll show you." The bell rang and he pushed through the crowded hallway. "Look out, fresh meat coming through!"

Charlie looked at my other classes. "English, biology, health- hot damn! You're taking 12th-grade calculus?" She said, astonished.

"I like math."

"But why? It's all numbers and stuff."

"Don't you code, Charlie?" Sam said.

"It's different." she scoffed. "This is calculus."

"I like it because it's the same in every country and every language."

"Damn, that was deep."

We went out the doors at the end of the hallway and stood in a grassy area behind the school.

"Where's the back building?" I looked around, wondering if I was looking in the wrong place.

"It burned down in 1983," Sam explained.

"Won't we get in trouble for skipping class?"

"We wouldn't get you in trouble, we're friends!" Charlie sat down on the grass.

"So why didn't they keep homeschooling you?" Sam asked.

"My parents wanted me to be socialized."

"You'll get socialized, a little slice like you." Charlie laughed.

"A what?" To me, a slice meant pizza or pie, not a person.

"You're a regulation hottie, admit it." Sam scoffed. "The girls- and some boys- will be tripping all over you, Castiel."

"Why would they trip on me if I'm warm? You know what, forget it."

"How do you even spell Castiel?" Charlie fiddled with her bag's zipper.

"C-A-S-T-I-E-L." I spelled out rhythmically.

"Yeah, I'm gonna call you Cas." She said.

Sam gasped. "In the name of all things holy, just look at Gabriel Smith's gym clothes." He pointed at a short blonde boy in a P.E. uniform he wore like a crop top and short-shorts. He seemed to be flirting, flaunting and showing off for anything with a pulse.

"Of course the God Squad is all in the same gym class." Charlie groaned.

"What's the God Squad?"

"Teen royalty," Sam replied.

"That blonde one, Gabriel Smith, is the dumbest archangel you'll ever meet. He was in my English class last year and asked me how to spell 'orange.'"

"And that's Michael Wieners." Charlie pointed. "He's super stuck up because his dad invented humanity. He knows everything, about everyone."

"That's why his hair is so big. It's full of secrets." Sam said cryptically. "And evil takes an angel form as Lucifer George. He looks like a typical selfish, backstabbing, slut-faced hoe-bag, but he's so much worse. He's the queen bee, the star, and the other two are just his entertainment."

"He always wins Spring Fling King," Charlie added.

"Who cares?" Popularity didn't seem very important to me

"Um, I care." Sam gestured to himself. "Spring Fling king and queen automatically become head of the Student Activities Committee, which I'm an active member of, so yeah, I care. And I cannot stand to see him take the funding from drama again. I'm in tech, too."

"You've out-gayed yourself, Sam," Charlie said dryly. "Here, this map is your guide to Lawrence High School."

She pulled out a paper with a pencil drawing of the school, labeled in bubble letters. "Where you sit in the cafeteria is very important to your social life. You've got your hunters, men of letters, nerdy shapeshifters, cool shapeshifters, boring-ass humans, sexually active demons, unfriendly leviathans, cool vampires, wannabe vampires who like, all drive Volvos and have glitter obsessions. Then you have werewolves who eat their feelings, ghosts who don't eat anything. The coolest people you've ever met, us, obviously, and the worst."

\---

The lunchroom was crowded, packed with what seemed like thousands of people. I clung to my little blue plastic tray of peas, a carton of milk, and some fried things that were supposedly meat. I picked my way past the tables Charlie had listed out, and was stopped on my way to her and Sam by a short, dark-haired girl.

"Hey, we're doing a lunchtime survey of a few students, and would you be okay with answering a few questions?"

"Uh, okay?" I gripped my lunch tray.

"Is your muffin buttered?"

I looked down at my tray. "I- I don't have a muffin. I got chicken nuggets if that's close enough."

"Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?"

"I don't understand."

"Is she bothering you?" A voice interrupted from behind. "Meg, why are you so creepy?" It belonged to Lucifer.

"Just being friendly." Meg smiled.

"He's not interested. You can leave now." Meg shuffled away with a glare, and I started to walk to Sam and Charlie. "Why don't I know you?"

"Oh I'm new, I moved here from Africa. My name is Castiel."

"If you're from Africa," The one Sam said was Gabriel piped up. "Then why are you an angel?"

Lucifer turned to Gabriel. "Oh my god Gabriel, you can't just ask people why they're an angel!"

Michael jumped in. "Wow I love your coat, it's so fetch!"

"...Fetch?" I was pretty unfamiliar with American slang, but that seemed more unusual than most slang.

"It's like British slang or something."

"Hey Castiel, we don't do this a lot, so it's kind of a big deal, but I think you should sit with us. Every day for the rest of the week."

"Uh okay! I've got to sit with my friends because promised I would, but I'll see you tomorrow."

"Oh, and on Wednesdays, we wear plaid!" Gabriel called after me.


	2. The Book of the Burned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas gets with Lawrence High's in-crowd and fails to see that they're all gay as hell. or heaven. 
> 
> I edited out the part about Janis/Charlie being made fun of for being lesbian, because that's so 2004.

Charlie sat on the sink in the empty boys' bathroom. "Ok, you have to tell me all the horrible things he says, okay?" She clapped with excitement.

"Lucifer seems sweet."

"Lucifer is anything but sweet, kid. He's a scum-sucking road-whore who ruined my life." Charlie became deadly serious. "Fabulous but evil."

"Why do you even hate him?"

"Okay, so he started this rumor that Charlie was-"

"Sam! Let's not." She cleared her throat. "It's not that I hate him, it's that this could be a fun little game. You hang out with them, and tell us everything."

"What would we even talk about?"

"Murder."

"And Ashton Kutcher," Sam added.

"Ashton Kutcher?" I wondered. Sam started giving me sad puppy dog eyes."Ok fine, whatever I'll do it!"

"Do you even have anything plaid?" Charlie asked.

"No."

Sam grinned. "I'm on it."

\---

I got to calculus class in eighth period feeling ready for anything. I'm good at math, I understand it, and nothing can mess me up. Nothing.

"Hey, do you have a pencil?" A dirty-blonde boy with freckles and bright green eyes turned around from the seat in front of me.

I breathlessly handed him a pencil and silently screamed. I had never had a crush before, except once when I was 7. I liked a reaper named April. It didn't work out. This new one was like getting smacked in the face with a can of "Hello there, I'm cute as hell" every time I looked at him. This made class very distracting since he was directly in front of me the whole time. A lot of "cute as hell" cans were used that period.

\---

Sitting with the God Squad was like leaving reality for Popular World. Popular World had a lot of rules. Tank tops cannot be worn two days in a row,  sweaters once a week, and track pants or jeans on Fridays. Break a rule and you're kicked out of the table. And you have to consult the group before you buy clothes, even if it looks good. Same thing with who you date.

I tugged at the oversized flannel I borrowed from Sam since I owned no plaid. Lucifer was off getting cheese fries when Michael brought up the latter thing you need to consult.

"So have you seen anyone you think is cute?"

"Well, there's this guy in my calculus class..."

Gabriel gasped. "What's his name?"

"Dean Winchester," I sighed dreamily.

"No!"

"Oh no, no way. You can not like Dean Winchester." Michael cried.

"Why not?"

"He's Lucifer's ex-boyfriend." At least I knew he wasn't straight.

"They dated for like, a year, and Luci was devastated when they broke up last summer."

"But didn't Luci dump him for Kelly Klein?" Gabriel asked.

"Ok, whatever, ex-boyfriends are strictly off-limits. It's just like, the rules of being an angel! But I won't tell Luci our secret."

Even if I couldn't like Dean, I could still look at him. And think about him. And daydream. And-

"You're the Africa dude, right? I'm Kevin Tran, captain of the Lawrence Mathletes. We need more people on our team, we think you should join."

He handed me a card. "Think it over. We're getting jackets, so let us know if you'll do it."

"Okay." I looked towards him as he ran for the bus home from school.

"Get in loser, we're going shopping!" Lucifer honked from his silver car.

\---

"So I think I might join the Mathletes," I said once we were all in the car.

"Uh, no, over my dead body." Lucifer nearly crashed the car in surprise. "Castiel, that's social suicide! You're so lucky you have us to guide you."

We pulled up to the mall and got out of the car. Walking inside, I realized how much it reminded me of the watering holes in Africa. All the animals flock to it in heat.

"Oh my god, there's Meg." Lucifer gawked from afar.

"She's chatting up Kelly Kline!"

"What a skeez! Gimme your phone." Lucifer grabbed Michael's phone and began to dial. "Hello? May I speak with Meg Masters? This is Mark from Planned Parenthood. Oh, she's not there? We just had her test results sent over, so please have her call me back when you see her. It's urgent."

He hung up.

"That was so fetch." Michael squealed as I stood, agape.

\---

I followed the God Squad into Lucifer's sprawling mansion. Marble columns supported the expansive rooms, and hardwood mahogany floors and doors furnished the room. I loved the color of mahogany, but the kind that grows in Africa was vulnerable, and others were endangered because rich people wanted it faster than it grew.

We walked up the stairs into Lucifer's room, with a huge bed and an amazing view.

"You guys should see my mom's boob job. They're hard as rocks these days."

As if on cue, Lucifer's mom appeared.

"Hey! How are you boys doing?" Lucifer's mom walked into his room.

"Hi Mrs. George, this is Castiel."

"Hello honey, if you need anything, don't be shy. There are no rules in this house. I'm not a regular mom. I'm a cool mom. Right sweetie?" She looked at Lucifer.

"Shut up mom."

"Okay!" She smiled and walked out.

This house was getting weirder by the minute.

"So this is your room?" I said in disbelief.

"It used to be my parents, but I made them trade me." He put on some music. "Castiel, who do you think this is by?"

I racked my brain. "Uhh, the Spice Girls?"

They laughed.

"I love him, he's like a Martian!" Lucifer walked over to a mirror. "Ew, my hips are huge."

"Oh please, my calves are awful," Michael complained.

"At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders!" Gabriel pouted.

"You're a man, dumbass."

"Oh, right!" He perked up again. "But my nail beds suck."

Turns out there's a lot more than skinny or fat, muscular or flabby. There are tons of ways to feel bad about yourself, that nobody ever notices.

"My hairline is so weird." Michael smoothed his hair.

"My pores are huge." Luci sighed.

"I have really bad breath in the morning." I blurted out the first imperfection I thought of.

"Ew." The God Squad looked at me strangely.

"A little hump day treat for you guys." Lucifer's mom brought a tray of colorful drinks in martini glasses.

"There isn't any alcohol in this, is there?" I pointed at the blue drink.

"Oh god no honey, what kind of parent do you think I am?" She laughed. "If you want any, let me know, I'd rather you drink in the house."

"I'm fine," I said quickly.

"Okay, I'll leave you boys alone."

Michael picked along the shelves and pulled out a pink book. "Oh my god, Luci remember this! Castiel come look."

He showed me the cover, with magazine letters cut and pasted on the front to spell out "BURN BOOK" with a kiss in the middle.

"Is that lipstick? Did you- _kiss_ the book?"

"It's painted on, we're not losers," Lucifer explained hastily. It was probably him. "But anyways, we cut out pictures from the yearbooks and write comments.

"Crowley is a grotsky little byotch." I read.

"Still true."

"Donna Hanscum is a fat virgin."

"Still half true." Lucifer snorted.

"Garth Fitzgerald IV once made out with a hot dog."

I paused at the next one, then read: "Charlie Bradbury is a loner nerd."

"Doesn't she hang out with that guy Sam?" Gabriel piped up, almost excitedly.

"Yeah, he's almost too gay to function." I laughed. Maybe it was only ok if Charlie said it. Gabriel looked even more excited, for some reason.   


"That's funny, put it in." Luci handed me a sharpie and a yearbook. He flipped through the book and the stopped at the W section. Lucifer chuckled and cut into the page. He finished cutting and held up a small square photograph. I took it from him and glued it onto a fresh page. Sam was a few years younger, with much shorter hair and an awkward smile. I wrote in my caption in our bitchy arts and crafts project. I was as horrified with myself as I was horrified with the thought of short-haired Sam.


	3. Halloween is Not for Candy (or for Cassie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer is a slut dressed like a good friend, dressing like a slut. A back-stabbing boy-stealing son of a bitch.

The next day, I talked to Charlie at her job at the mall."...And they have this book where they write all these mean things about people in our grade."

"What's it say about me?"

"You're not in it," I lied.

"Those bitches." She sighed.

"Is this good for less split ends?" Sam held up a blue shampoo bottle.

"No, put it back and try the blue ones."

"They're all blue, that's the brand logo color." He sighed and continued searching among endless rows of blue plastic bottles.

"Cas, you've gotta steal that book."

"No way!"

"Come on. We can publish it, so people see what a bitch she really is! Sam stop putting that on your hands, it's foot cream." Sam closed the small container and began to look for a tissue to wipe it off.

"I won't steal anything."

"There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who do evil, and those who see evil and do nothing about it."

"Does that mean I'm morally obligated to burn that lady's outfit?" Sam pointed at a woman in a colorfully striped vest and wiped his hands.

"Dude, that's Ms. Mills," I said.

"Hey Charlie, I didn't know you worked here!"

"Yeah, moderately priced soaps sure are my calling." She smiled and gave a thumbs up with a hint of sarcasm.

"How nice. Oh, Castiel, I really hope you join the Mathletes. We could use you on our team."

"I think I'll join."

"Oh great, thanks." She walked off into the store.

"You can't join Mathletes, it's social suicide!" Sam cried when she left.

"You were a Mathlete in freshman year." Charlie wiped off the counter and raised her eyebrows at him.

"Well, _Charlie_ , my social life really took off after then. Lucky I'm so popular, I'd hate to be some loser with foot cream all over his hands!" He waved his hands around for emphasis.

"Thanks for your advice, Sam," I said dryly.

"Well I've reached my awkwardness limit, so see you guys later."

"Bye." Charlie and I called after him.

"So when are you gonna hang out with Lucifer again?"

"I don't know, I don't like to spy on him."

"He'll never know. Our little secret."

\---

I called Lucifer up later that day.

"Hello."

"Hey, Castiel. Michael told me your little secret."

"What secret?" I tried to cover.

"I know you like Dean." Busted. "I don't really care, do what you want. But Dean only really cares about friends, family, and school. I'll talk to him for you, though. And you could totally talk to him yourself."

"Really? You'd do that? No hard feelings?"

"Oh sure. I'm actually surprised how you don't seem mad at Michael. It was pretty bitchy of him to do that."

"It was, but I'm not mad."

"I think he does it for attention."

"I do not!" Michael butted in.

"Told you he wasn't mad. Okay, see you tomorrow, bye!" Luci hung up.

I survived my first three-way phone call attack.

\---

With Lucifer's blessing, I now talked to Dean more and more. On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was.

"It's October 3rd."

Two weeks later we spoke again.

"It's raining."

"Yep."

But I wanted things to move a bit faster. I started a conversation in math.

"Hey, I'm totally lost, can you help me?" I wasn't lost.

"Yeah." I knew what Ms. Mills was talking about. "It's a factorial, so you multiply each one by n."

Wrong.

"I that the summation?"

"Yeah, they're pretty much the same." No, they aren't.

"Thanks, I get it now."

After class, he came up to me.

"My friend Benny's having a Halloween party and I wanted to know if you'll come. It's a costume party, and people get really into it." He handed me a small green flyer with a smile. "This only lets in one person, so don't bring along some other guy."

"Grool!" I blushed. "I- I mean, great. Or cool. Both. I mean both."

"Both is good. I've always liked both. Both is- grool."

I laughed nervously and went back into the classroom.

"Hey Africa, are you staying for the meeting?" Kevin said.

"Yeah." I wasn't really. I went home to work on my costume.

\---

For kids, Halloween is where you dress up scary, or as a character from a movie or something, and then you beg for candy to puke up the next morning. For teenagers, Halloween is the one night a year you can dress up like a total slut, and nobody can say anything about it. Some people wear lingerie and animal ears and call it a costume. Mainly this is girls, but Gabriel, defying gender norms like a pro, opened the door in a skimpy see-through dress and mouse ears.

"Um, I hate to ask Gabe, but what are you?" I stared questioningly anywhere other than from the shoulders down.

"I'm a mouse, duh!" He pointed to his fuzzy grey ears.

I, on the other hand, had no idea what teenagers did. I came as a zombie, with unattractive makeup and that rotting, ready-for-brains look.

"Why are you dressed so scary?" Gabriel asked.

"It's Halloween!" I replied through fake blood makeup on my lips.

I went inside and milled around with all the slutty people in lingerie and animal ears. A dirty blonde head squeezed through the crowd, and a freckled face with football stripes on his cheeks appeared.

"Hey, you made it! And you're a zombie."

"No, I'm dressed as a student during finals." He laughed at my joke.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"Sure, thanks!"

"Ok, I'll be right back." He pushed through the crowd again. hate to see him leave, love to watch him go.

\---

Lucifer walked up to Dean. "Hey, I need to talk to you. You know Cas?"

"Yeah, he's cool, I invited him."

"Well, be careful, because he has a huge crush on you." Lucifer grinned smugly.

"Really? How do you know?" Dean's eyes widened in surprise.

"He told me," Lucifer said smoothly. "He tells everyone. It's kind of cute actually. He's like a little kid, he draws all over his notebook, CN + DW in a heart and all that. He has this t-shirt he made, it says 'I heart Dean' on it and he wears it under his clothes all the time."

"Oh come on, that's not true." He scoffed.

"I've seen it, it's a little weird, but who can blame him? You're gorgeous." He brushed Dean's jawline with a finger. "I'm not saying he's a stalker, but he does keep a Kleenex you used so he could do some African voodoo shit with it. He says it'll make you like him."

"He what?"

"That's all I know. There's probably weirder stuff he hides from even us."

This is how Lucifer was talking to Dean for me.

"He's really creepy and into that voodoo crap, but he's my friend, so promise you won't make fun of him?"

"I promise."

Lucifer stood on his tiptoes to reach Dean's face with a kiss.

\---

I walked around the party, thinking about how Lucifer was putting in a good word for me with Dean. How could Charlie hate Lucifer, he was such a good-

I rounded the corner to see Lucifer kissing Dean.

Slut!

"What are you doing? You broke up with me!" Dean said, facing away from the doorway I stood in.

"That's crazy, why would I break up with you? You're just so hot."

Blood rushed to my face and pounded in my ears, my stomach dropped to the floor. Jealous rage was a new feeling for me and I hated it. I hated Lucifer too. I hated him!

\---

I slammed the door behind me and stormed into Charlie and Sam's scary movie marathon.

"He took him back! Lucifer took Dean back!"

"Oh, no, Cas." Sam looked empathetically at me, a sobbing and angry zombie mess.

"Why would he do that?" I shouted.

"Because he's a life ruiner. He ruins peoples lives. " Charlie stated.

"When we were 13, she started this petition, saying Charlie was-"

"Sam! Seriously! Look, he won't get away with this. We're going to do something."

"We are?" I sniffled

"Lucifer is an evil dictator. And how do you overthrow an evil dictator? Cut off his resources. Lucifer is nothing without his looks, his ignorant followers and his man candy. Take that away- he's just some common bitch." Charlie gave a mischievous grin. "Cas, for this to work, you've got to play it off like nothing happened, and keep hanging out with them. Can you do that?"

"Anything to ruin that bitch."


	4. Crack and Talent Shows Don't Mix.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel, Charlie and Sam mix crack and talent shows.   
> Luci smells like feet, or peppermint, Michael is doing everything backwards, Cas saved the talent show, and fetch has yet to happen.

Pretending I was okay was surprisingly easy,

"Luci wanted me to tell you he tried to get you together with Dean, but Dean wanted to get back together. It's not Lucifer's fault or anything." Michael explained.

"Oh yeah, I understand, it's fine."

"You sure you're not mad?"

"Yep."

"Okay good."

\---

We sat around the lunch table, Lucifer and Dean tauntingly close, and me? I was front and center to see the show but just out of reach, across the table.

"It's called the South Beach Fat Flush. All you drink is cranberry juice for 72 hours."

"It's not even cranberry juice. It's all sugary cranberry cocktail crap." Dean huffed.

"Well, I want to lose weight." Lucifer stirred cranberry powder into his water. "Why do you always wear your hair like that? You look sexier with it pushed back. Cas, tell him his hair looks better pushed back."

He was dangling Dean in front of me like a cat toy. Waiting for me to pounce and ruin my reputation. I knew how this would be solved in the animal kingdom. A fight to the death.

But this was Popular World.

"Your hair looks sexy pushed back."

In Popular World, you fight to the ruined reputation. You have to be sneaky too.

"Ugh, this cranberry crap is making me break out," Luci complained.

"Oh! I have this skin stuff I can bring you." I grinned at the new opportunity.

-

I scooped out the facial cleanser and dumped it into the trash. Then I squeezed a bottle of foot cream into it and spun the lid on and shoved it in my bag. I walked into the bathroom and handed it to Lucifer. He rubbed it into his skin and smiled.

"I can feel my skin clearing already. You're amazing, Cas!" He bounced out of the bathroom and kissed Dean's cheek.

"Your face smells like peppermint." He noted.

\---

"This is ass, guys we've just spent a whole month trying to make Lucifer's face smell like a foot!" Charlie groaned.

"Dean said it smelled like peppermint." Sam corrected.

"I don't care what Lucifer's face smells like, we've got to crack Michael. Crack Michael, then we crack Lucifer George's whole dirty history."

"Say crack again."

"Crack. Okay, we meet again tonight."

"Sorry, I can't, I've got go to Luci's to practice this song for the talent show..."I trailed off.

"Jingle bell rock." Charlie and Sam said in unison.

"You guys know that song?"

"Anyone who speaks English knows that song." Charlie sighed.

"The God Squad does it every year."

"Well, I have to go learn it, so bye." I ran across the grass and into the hallway. When I turned around the corner to the main hallway, I bumped into Luci.

"Was that Charlie Bradbury you were talking to?

"Yeah, she's like, really weird, she came up to me and started talking about crack."

"She is so pathetic. Let me tell you something about her. We used to be friends in middle school, and then she started acting all geeky and clingy like she was obsessed with me. Then I stopped letting her hang out with me, and nobody talked to her. Then she like dropped out when her parents died and started making video games or something. Then she comes back and hangs out with Dean's brother, and I guess she does crack now."

"So are you gonna send any candy canes?"

"No. I don't send them. I get them. And I'm expecting one from you byotch, love you."

I found my way to crack Michael Wieners. I bought three candy canes.

\---

Sam opened the door to my English class, wearing a huge Santa suit stuffed with pillows around the middle. "Ho ho ho! Candy Grams!"

"Make it quick please." My teacher droned.

"Lisa Braeden? Two for you. Jo Harvelle? Four for you, Jo Harvelle. You go Jo Harvelle! Castiel Novak? One for you. And none for Michael Wieners. Bye."  He turned and left the classroom.

"Who's it from?" Michael leaned over my shoulder.

I read off the little card. "'Thanks for being such a great friend. Love, Lucifer.' That's so sweet!"

Once Michael thought Luci was mad at him, all his secrets poured out.

\---

Principal Singer talked into the microphone, addressing the audience. "Thank you, and welcome to the Lawrence High School winter talent show. Our first act is Sam Winchester."

Sam walked on stage in a white tux and began to sing, and the God Squad had to pretend not to hear. Gabe and I still listened as much as discreetly possible.  


Michael whispered to me. "Why would Luci just send you guys candy canes, and not me?"

"Maybe he forgot," Gabriel whispered back.

"He's seemed kind of out of it lately, maybe there's something wrong?"

"Well his dad doesn't really care about him, and his parents don't sleep in the same bed anymore. Oh god, don't tell him I said that!" Michael squeaked.

I nodded solemnly like I was totally gonna keep a secret.

"No offense. But why would he send you one and not me? Maybe he's uncomfortable with the fact that I knew about the nose job he got. Oh god don't tell anyone I said that."

Sam left the stage and Kevin entered and began to rap in his group called K.T. And the power of three.

He began a crude rap. "Yo, yo, yo All you sucker MCs Ain't got nothing on me

From my grades to my lines

You can't touch Kevin T

I'm a Mathlete

So nerd is inferred but forget what you heard

I'm like James Bond the Third

Shaken not stirred

I'm Kevin Tran

I'm in advanced placement

When I sneak in your door

And make love to your woman

On the bathroom floor

I don't play it like Shaggy

You'll know it was me because the next time you see her

She'll be like Oh, Kevin T!"

"Thank you, Kevin, that's enough." Mr. Singer ushered him offstage.

"Happy holidays everybody!" He waved innocently.

The God Squad and I lined up behind the curtain, in position for our dance. Our costumes were made of a lot of red fake leather stuff with a fake fur hem instead of regular cloth. We topped off the skimpy plastic outfits with Santa hats and black gloves.

"Michael, switch sides with Castiel." Lucifer snapped.

"But I'm always on your left!" He protested.

"Well now we have four people, so you're switching."

"But then the whole dance is backwards! I'm always on your left."

"Michael, I am this close-" he held his fingers with about a half inch of space between them. "from kicking you out of the dance and having Castiel take your spot anyways. Switch!"

Michael huffed and switched spots with me angrily.

Mr. Singer took the stage again to introduce us. "And now welcome to the stage, Santa's Little Helpers with 'Jingle Bell Rock.'"

The curtain rose and we took our poses on the stage. Michael pressed play on the boom box and set it down on the edge of the stage. The song began to play and we started our dance.

"Jingle bell, jingle bell, Jingle bell rock- Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring..."

I could see Lucifer's mom filming in the audience. We strutted and swung our hips a lot like strippers. I heard my parents gasp on the crotch-slap dance move.

"Jingle bells chime In jingle bell time Dancing and prancing In Jingle bell Square-"

Suddenly, Michael spun the wrong way, since he was backward from what he knew. He kicked the boombox, which started to skip and repeat the same syllable.

"In the fr- fr- fro- fr-f-"

He kicked it again to see if it would restart but kicked it off the stage instead. Meg shouted as a flying boombox hit her in the face. Downsides of having front row seats. We stood in our positions like Santa-clad statues. Suddenly I knew what to do.

"What a bright time, it's the right time..." I sang, my voice sounding terribly alone in the silent auditorium.

"To rock the night away," Dean joined in from the audience.

"Jingle bell time is a swell time," Another person sang.

"To go riding in a one-horse sleigh." More people began singing.

"Giddy up jingle horse. Pick up your feet," the theater filled with the audience's singing. "Jingle around the clock!"

"Mix and mingle in a jingling beat." we continued to dance to the singing as Ms. Mills accompanied in piano.

"That's the jingle bell- That's the jingle bell- that's the jingle bell rock!" The audience stopped singing to clap at the end of our dance.

\---

Backstage, after the show, a crowd of people congratulated us on our show.

"That was the best save ever!" Gabriel squealed, Santa hat falling askew on his head from all the jumping.

"That was awesome," Dean smiled at me. Or maybe at the group. I hope it was for me.

"That was great, Africa." Kevin fist-bumped me.

I awkwardly bumped back. "Thanks, Kevin."

After he walked off, Michael mocked, "Castiel is friends with Kevin! You so are. That's why you're joining Mathletes, right?"

"Mathletes?" Dean looked surprised. "I thought you hated math."

"He fist-bumped you, you're friends. That is so fetch." Michael raved.

"Michael, stop trying to make 'fetch' happen. It's not going to happen!"


	5. Lets Stab Ceaser!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas tries to play To Catch a Cheater and ends up playing Dateline.

Later in English class, we discussed Julius Ceasar, the Shakespearean play, and I knew. We cracked Michael Wieners.

"Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get squashed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. OK, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become OK for one person to be the boss of everybody? Because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!" He ranted in class. Even Gabriel could have seen this was about Lucifer.

After class, he told me even more than I could have hoped.

"OK, if you even knew how mean he really is. Did you know he cheats on Dean? Yes. Every Thursday Dean thinks he's doing SAT prep. But really, he's hooking up with Kelly Klein in the projection room above the auditorium, and I never told anybody that, because ...I'm such a good friend."

My blood boiled at the thought of Dean being with Luci, while Luci was cheating on him, but I played it cool.

"You are such a good friend, I can't believe Luci would do something like that. You deserve so much better." I buttered him up and inflated his ego effortlessly. Jackpot. Now, all we needed was for Dean to catch Lucifer in the act.

\---

After school I walked with Dean around the school, leading him closer to the projection room.

"Hey Cas, what up?" He said nonchalantly.

"Not much, how are things running with you?" I gave the signal for Sam in a ski mask to run down the hall. His hair peeked out the bottom of the mask, but I hoped Dean wouldn't notice it was his brother. Sam snatched my backpack out of the hand I carried it in.

"My bag!" I yelled and pointed in the direction Sam ran, also towards the projection room. Dean sprinted down the hall, determined to get my bag. I smiled and ran after him. He sprinted to the auditorium.

"He's headed for the projection booth!" I called from behind.

Sam fled inside and Dean followed, then I brought in the rear.

"Coach Lilith?" Dean said in surprise.

Lucifer wasn't in the projection room. Instead, Coach Lilith was making out with someone.

"Crowley?" Sam pulled off his mask, suprised.

Coach Lilith and Crowley stepped away from each other quickly, laughing nervously.

"Sam?" Dean looked at his brother.

"Dean!" He shouted nerveously.

"Cas?" Dean asked in confusion.

"Lucifer..." I  trailed off.

\---

Charlie and I sat at the kitchen table, while Sam went through the highest cabinets he could find in my house, showing off how tall he was. Charlie and I sulked like short people.

"Guys, why did we think we could do this? There was no way if knowing anyone would even be in the projection booth. We're amateurs." I said. "That was a mess." 

"We've just got to think outside the box, and figure out better ways." Charlie waved her hands as she talked.

"What are Kälteen bars?" Sam stretched up to a box in a cupboard above the countertop.

"They're these weird Swedish nutrition bars." I explained. "My mom gave them to kids in Africa to help them gain weight."

\--

"They're these weird Swedish dieting bars my mom uses to lose weight."

I handed Lucifer a blue and yellow nutrition bar. "They've got this ingredient that isn't allowed in the US yet. It makes you lose weight really fast."

"Why not?"

"It burns carbs like crazy. It just burns them all up."

"Good. I want to lose 3 pounds."

"You're crazy!" Michael piped up. "You're already so fit."

"Yeah, you're like, so skinny," Gabriel added.

"Shut up." Lucifer snapped back.

The strange thing about hanging out with Lucifer was that the meaner he was to us, the more we wanted him to like us. We all knew hating life in the God Squad was better than not being in it at all. Being in the God Squad was like being famous. People just knew things about you.

"The new guy from Africa, Castiel, was wearing a trench coat, so I bought a trench coat too." I heard people chattering behind me.

"He's hot. Like, hotter than Lucifer."

Mr. Singer gossiped with the other teachers. "I hear Lucifer George is back together with Dean Winchester. The two were seen canoodling at a Halloween party and have been inseparable since."

I was a man possessed. I spent 80% of my time talking about Luci, and the remaining 20% waiting for someone to bring him up so I could talk.

"He's not even that hot if you look closely." I knew people were getting annoyed with me, but I just couldn't stop. It was like word vomit.

"Yes I know, you've told me that a million times. Anyways, I'm doing this LARPing thing in the park tonight with Sam and my army. Why don't you take a night off your double life and come to the Kingdom of Moondor?" Charlie suggested.

"Coolness," I said.

"What's that smell?" She wrinkled her nose.

"Oh, Luci gave me some cologne."

"You smell like a baby prostitute." She fanned her face.

"A baby prostitute in a trench coat," Sam added.

"Thanks."

\---

Meanwhile, I was finding every excuse I could to talk to Dean.

"I don't get this, do you?" I leaned over with a math problem I totally understood.

Later, I got a 98% on the test and a 'Nice job, Castiel' from Ms. Mills.

"It seems like you understand it," Dean said after class. If I wanted to do this, I was going to have to commit.

On the next test, a 67% score slapped down on my table with a note. 'Not your best.'

We lingered to chat after school.

"Damn Africa, what happened?" Kevin looked at the score.

"I don't know, maybe I need a tutor."

"I could tutor you after school if you want." Dean offered.

"Would Lucifer mind?"

"Nah, you guys are friends. He doesn't have to know, anyways."

\---

We sat at the wooden table at Dean's house, papers scattered across the tabletop.

"So what'd you get on this one?" I asked.

He tapped his eraser on his forehead and ran a hand through his hair. "Well, first I got zero." Wrong. "But I checked again, and got one." There you go.

"I got one as well," I responded.

"Yeah, you've got to double check it because the product of two negative integers is a positive number. That trips me up sometimes."

"Like negative four and negative six."

"Yeah, like that."

"You're a good tutor." I smiled

I caught a glint in his eye that gave me that word vomit feeling. But not word vomit, more action vomit. I quickly leaned over and kissed him. He lingered in the kiss, then pulled away.

"Look Cas, I- I can't do this to Luci. It's just not fair to him."

"Why do you even like him?"

"I know he can be, evil at times-"

"Try satanic," I interjected.

"Okay, if you hate him so much, why do you hang out with him?"

"It's complicated."

"Everyone has their good and bad sides, Lucifer's just more up-front about it."

I felt the word vomit building up again. I tried to swallow it down and shut up, but then-

"He's cheating on you!" I blurted out.

Dean dropped his pencil and stared in that wide-eyed way that showed a world of hurt he hid. "What?"

\---

We gathered in our usual lunch group, sans Dean. We all exaggerated sympathy with little gasps and tuts that suburban mothers use when gossiping.

"Did he say why he broke up with you?" Gabriel asked, dumbstruck.

"Some hunter told him about Kelly Klein." Lucifer sighed and pouted. "I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him."

"Oh, how awful," Michael whispered like he was at the funeral of someone he secretly didn't really like. I nodded sympathetically. We were at a funeral of sorts. The funeral of Lucifer and Dean's relationship. Good riddance, I thought to myself with a secret smile.

"Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to Taco Bell?" Gabriel suggested.

"We can't go to Taco Bell. I'm on an all-carb diet! God, Gabriel, you're so stupid!" He angrily picked up his lunch tray and stormed off.

"Luci, wait!" Michael followed him like a puppy.

"Nobody understands me!" Lucifer yelled like an angsty teen as he stomped away.

"I understand, Luci, wait for me!" Michael trailed off as he chased Luci out of the cafeteria.

"You're not Gabe." I comforted Gabriel who looked glumly at his food.

"No, I'm actually failing almost everything." He picked at his potatoes.

"I'm sure you have something you're good at."

He perked up. "I can fit my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see?" He had begun to shove his hand into his mouth, muffling his words.

"Umm... I'm good. Anything else?" He pulled his knuckles from his mouth and looked disappointed.

"I'm kind of psychic. It's like I have a fifth sense." He tapped his temple knowingly.  "It's like I have angel radio or ESPN or something. My wings can tell if it's going to rain."

"Oh, that's cool."

"Well, they only work if it's already raining." He admitted and fluffed his wings a little.


	6. Butter is Totally a Carb!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Castiel ruins everything. With everyone.

At first, I was disappointed Dean didn't ask me out yet, but I figured he needed some time after Lucifer. On the other hand, Luci wasted no time moving on to screwing Kelly Klein. Our plan was going pretty well. Dean broke up with Luci, who was unknowingly eating 5,000 calories a day. It was time to turn our attention to his army of skanks.

The announcements blared over a crackling P.A. system. "The nominees for Spring Fling King are as follows: Lucifer George, Michael Weiners, and finally, Castiel Novak."

"Did you put me in for Spring Fling King? That wasn't in the plan." I interrogated Sam, who denied any nominating.

\---

Luci had a nice white tuxedo on hold at a store called 1-3-5. But, due to the rules of sitting with the God Squad, he had to consult us before he buys it.

"It feels too tight." He whined and shut the red dressing room curtain behind him.

Michael checked the tag in the back of the collar and reported the size. "It's a 5."

"Ugh! Castiel, these Kälteen bars suck! They're all I've been eating and I've only gained weight."

"Oh, that's your water weight. The bars burned all your fat, so you're running on water right now. When that water dries up, you'll be all muscle. You bloat, then drop 10 pounds just like that." I snapped my fingers. "It explains on the label."

"You read Swedish?" He made a face of disbelief.

"Duh. Everyone in Africa reads Swedish." I rolled my eyes like that was the most obvious thing I've ever had to explain.

Lucifer went back into the changing room and came out in his regular clothes. He handed the white tuxedo to Gabriel.

Gabriel walked over to the sales associate restocking the blinding white shelves.

"Excuse me, do you have the next size up?" He held up the tux on its hanger.

"Sorry sir, we only carry sizes one, three and five." She set down a folded shirt onto the pile and sneered condescendingly. "Maybe you could Sears."

Lucifer gasped loudly and we quickly gathered our things to leave. He gaped at her, disgraced, as we ushered him out of the store.

\---

Ms. Mills handed back a test to me with a frown.

"Castiel, your parents need to sign this so they know you're failing."

"Failing?"

"All the work is right, but the answers are wrong. Now I know that dating seems like the most important thing in the world right now, but trust me it's not." How would you know? "I know what you think. How could I know? Last time I dated, I ended up choking on blood on the bathroom floor. The only person who calls my house is Randy from Chase Visa. You know why? Because I'm a pusher. I push people. I pushed myself into the dating world, that failed. I pushed my kid to succeed in school, and she smokes grass under the bleachers. Now I'm pushing you because I know you're smarter than this."

I sighed. "Thanks, Ms. Mills. If there's any way I can get extra credit, please let me know."

\---

"God, I hate her! It's like she's failing me on purpose because I didn't join her stupid Mathletes. She's all like 'I'm a pusher. I push people.'" I sat down on the edge of Lucifer's bed.

"Like a drug pusher?" Michael asked.

I laughed. "Yeah probably. She said her kid smokes weed. Maybe that's where she got it from."

They laughed, then Luci pulled out the famed pink book. "Let it out, honey. Put it in the Burn Book." He handed it to me and I uncapped a pen from his nightstand.

I know it looks like I had become a bitch. That's probably because I had become a bitch.

Charlie approached me in the hallways, followed by Sam.

"Hey I called you, why didn't you pick up?" She leaned against the locker next to mine.

"Sorry, I was busy." I inspected my nails for dirt.

"Well, I was wondering if you needed a ride to my LARPing thing this weekend." She suggested.

"No, I'm going to Madison with my parents. Sorry."

"Well, do you want to catch a movie tonight?" Sam suggested.

"Sorry, I've got major God Squad sabotage planned."

Charlie looked at me with a confused face. "We don't have anything planned."

"No," I smirked knowingly. "But I do."

\---

I dialed Luci's number into my phone and sat on the edge of my bed with a knowing smile on my face.

"Hey Luci, Michael thinks you're mad at him because he's running for Spring Fling King." I started right off the bat.

"I'm not mad, I'm worried." He answered. "I think he got nominated as a joke- he's not exactly pretty or anything. And when he doesn't get votes, he'll have a meltdown and I'm going to have to take care of him."

I found my opportunity. "So you don't think he'll get votes?"

Lucifer sighed on the other end of the line. "Like I said Cas, he's not hot, and the King is always hot. It could be Gabriel, but people forget him since he's such a slut. Anyways, I'm going bed, so bye." he hung up.

"Well, he's not mad at you." I continued talking to Michael, who was listening in.

"Shut up and hold on." He shushed me as someone else clicked on.

"Hello?" Gabriel asked.

"Hey, Gabriel. If someone talked shit about you, you'd want me to tell you, right?" Michael ventured.

"No."

"What if they were your friend?"

"Hang on, other line." Gabriel switched to talking to Lucifer.

"Wanna go out tonight?" Lucifer started the new conversation.

"Hang on, Michael's on the other line."

"Ugh, do not invite him. He's driving me crazy."  Luci groaned before Gabriel switched lines again.

"It's Luci. He wants to hang out." Gabriel re-entered our conversation.

"Don't!" Michael jumped.

"Why not?"

"You said you didn't want me to tell you."

"Ugh, you can tell me. Hold on." Gabriel sighed and pressed a button. "Oh my god, he's so annoying."

"Who is?" Michael asked.

"Who is this?"

"Michael."

"Hang on." Gabriel switched conversations again. "Oh my god, he's so annoying."

"I know!" Lucifer complained, taking out a loaf of bread.

Gabriel switched again. "Okay Mike, what is it?"

"Lucifer said everyone hates you because you're such a slut. And you didn't hear that from me." I quietly sucked my breath through my teeth at the harshness of Michael's words.

Gabriel switched lines with a huff.

"I can't go out tonight. I'm sick." He badly fake coughed for emphasis.

Luci mumbled through a mouthful of bread. "Boo, you whore."

\---

"Luci, we have to talk." Michael folded his hands in front of him on the lunch table in an authoritative manner.

"Is butter a carb?" Lucifer eyed a pad of butter wrapped in gold foil.

"Yes," I added quickly, pushing the metallic square of fattening crap closer to him.

"Luci, you're wearing sweatpants." He paused dramatically. "It's Monday."

"So?" Lucifer spread the butter on his bread.

"It's against the rules." Gabriel chimed in. "You can't sit with us."

"The rules are made up. They're not real."

"They sure were real enough when I wore a vest once." Gabriel countered.

"That vest was hideous," Luci argued a fair point. It was avocado green and fluorescent orange striped vest that haunted my fashion nightmares.

Michael slammed the table to get our attention. "You can't sit with us!" He strained.

"Sweatpants are all that fit right now. Fine. You can walk home, losers." He took his tray and angrily walked towards the demon table.

Suddenly, Gabriel and Michael followed me around like lovesick puppies stuck to my legs with Velcro and duct tape. And magnets. They wanted to know where I was going, what I was doing, and if they could come. All. The damn. Time. I was the new ruler of the God Squad, and they wanted to be near me 24/7.

Because of this new power, somehow I could get what I wanted, with anyone. Even my parents. I managed to get out of our trip to Madison and organize a small get together.

"Hey, I'm having some people over at my house, and I wanted to see if you'll come." I offered Dean after calculus.

"Is Lucifer going to be there?" He fiddled with his books, slightly nervous.

"No, I'm not an idiot. Just some cool people, and you'd better be one of them, byotch." I winked.

"Fine. I'll go."

"Shut up. I love that canvas shirt on you." I tugged the edge of his layer and swaggered away down the hall.

Dean Winchester was coming to my house- for my party- so everything had to be perfect. This time when he saw me, I wouldn't be caught in some dumb zombie costume, I thought as I prepared a small plate of food for the few people I invited. Word had gotten out about my small get together, and a few more people arrived than expected. Streams of strangers and vaguely familiar faces from hallways filled my house, drinking and dancing and causing general chaos. I grabbed a drink of my own. And still, nobody had seen Dean.

I squeezed through the party, seeing one of the many patterned vases precariously crowd surfing.

"Hey! Put that down!" I snatched it and stowed it under the sink.

I began to wonder. Was Dean blowing me off? I squeezed upstairs and finally saw him. I hurried up to him and grabbed his arm, motioning to the nearest quiet room. He followed me into my bedroom.

"I've been looking for you everywhere." I sighed.

"Me too." My heart fluttered. "Thanks for getting me to come out here tonight. I was spending too much time being pissed at Lucifer. No more liars."

"I would never lie to you."

"I know." He smiled.

"Well- I did lie. Once." I confessed. "You're totally gonna laugh when I tell you this."

"What is it?"

"I pretended to be bad at math to get an excuse to talk to you. I'm actually good at math, but now I'm failing. How funny is that?" I laughed half-heartedly.

"You're failing on purpose? What the hell? That's stupid."

"It's not really on purpose, I just wanted to talk to you." I shrugged.

"Why didn't you just talk to me?"

"Because of Lucifer. You were dating, so you're like, his property."

"His property?" Dean scoffed. "I'm not his fucking property!"

"No, shut up, not his property-"

"Don't tell me to shut up!" His voice rose with anger. "God, you know what you are? You're a Lucifer clone. A carbon copy."

I stuttered. "I- No- tha- that's not what I meant- I- I-"

I put a hand on his knee and pleaded with my eyes. Oh no. I felt it coming. Word vomit rose in my throat. Wait- "what the hell is going on?!" Lucifer burst into the room angrily.

Actual vomit.

I keeled over and brought up the days lunch, snacks, and booze.

"Oh, god." Dean pulled away, disgusted.

He ran out of the room, past Lucifer, into the hallway, and I trailed behind, puke on my shoes.

"Dean! Dean, wait! Call me?" I yelled feebly.

I pushed through the crowd and hastily wiped vomit away with a paper napkin from the abandoned food platters.

I ran outside to see not Dean, but Charlie, in Sam's dad's car.

"You dirty little liar!" She leaned out the window of the black Impala. "Care to explain why you didn't invite us to your little party and didn't go to the Moondor thing?" She gestured to a stray sword in the back seat.

"I cannot stop this car, Charlie. I have a curfew." Sam shouted while driving along the block slowly.

"I was pretending to be in the God Squad! I couldn't invite you guys-"

"Oh kid, you are way beyond pretending." She shouted.

"Curfew, 1 a.m. It is now 1:10." Sam shouted again.

"Did you have an awesome time?" Charlie mocked. "Drink awesome beer with awesome music, and soak up each other's awesomeness?"

"You made me like this, so you could get your stupid eighth-grade revenge!" I yelled back.

"At least Lucifer and I know we're mean! You try and act all innocent and shit. 'I'm Castiel, an angel of The Lord, and I used to live in Africa with all the animals! I'm so pure and good!'" She mocked me in a singsong voice.

"It's not my fault you're such nerds you don't get invited to this shit!"

"What?!" She gasped!

"Oh, he did not!" Sam drove a little slower.

"That's the thing about the God Squad. You think everyone loves you, but really, they hate you. Dean Winchester broke up with Lucifer and still doesn't want you. And you still mess with Lucifer. You wanna know why Cas? Because you're a mean angel. You're a bitch!" She screamed.

"And I want my plaid shirt back! I want it back!" Sam yelled as they drove away.

 

+


	7. The 11th Grade goes to Group Tharapy

Lucifer stormed away from the party and stomped up to his silver car. Kelly Klein followed him hastily.

"Like, I invented him. And this is the thanks I get? I can't trust anyone anymore!" He hissed and pulled out a bar.

"Why are you eating Kälteen bars? Aren't you trying to lose weight?" Kelly asked.

"Uh, yeah. Duh. They're diet bars." He waved the half-eaten bar.

"Coach Lilith makes us eat those when we want to move up a weight class." She explained.

"What?"

"Yeah. They make you gain weight like crazy."

"Motherf-" Lucifer spat out the bar and shrieked.

He threw the remaining bar at Kelly and got into his car and sped away without her.

He slammed the door of his bedroom with a scream and stomped to his wall of pictures. He pulled off one of me and him and pulled out the burn book. He got out scissors and cut the photo in half. He uncapped a pen and began to write. He slowly narrated what he wrote in a strained and angry tone.

"This guy is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust him. He is a fugly slut!"

\---

Lucifer sat in Mr. Singer's office holding out the Burn Book.

"I found it in the locker room, Mr. Singer." He sobbed.

"Is this true? Crowley made out with Coach Lilith? Oh god. What does this say- 'Meg Masters is a-'"

"Fat whore." He sniffled. "Why would someone write that? That's so mean!"

"I'm sure we'll figure this out." Mr. Singer said calmly.

"There are only three guys in this school who aren't in it."

\---

I sat shoulder-to-shoulder with Michael and Gabriel. The burn book sat on the desk in front of us.

"Have any of you ever seen this boom before?" Mr. Singer pointed to the pink cover.

I started. "No. Well- yes, but it's not mine."

"It's Lucifer's," Michael added. "He's trying to make it look like we wrote it."

"Mr. Wieners, why would Lucifer refer to himself as a 'fugly slut?'" Gabriel started to giggle. "Is there something funny, Mr. Smith?"

"Maybe we're not in the book because everyone likes us. I'm not getting punished for being well-liked." Michael folded his arms. "And I don't think that my father, the inventor of humanity, would be too pleased to hear about this."

"Anything else you want to say?" Mr. Singer looked skeptically.

"I can't answer any more questions until I have a parent or lawyer present." Michael folded his arms.  


"Whoever wrote it probably didn't think anyone was going to see it?" Gabriel tried.

\---

A flurry of papers was strewn about the hallway as the bell rang, and I picked one up to see photocopies of the burn book. Students filled the hall and started to find the papers littering the floors and pasted on lockers.

"Made out with a hotdog? That was one time!" Garth held up his page.

"Bela Talbot has a huge ass? Who would write that?" Someone asked.

"Who wouldn't?" Someone else replied.

"Crowley made out with Coach Lilith? So did Ruby." Somebody else gossiped.

Ms. Mills tried to calm down the hallway, which was growing violent. "Hey! No pushing and shov-" She got a stack of papers to the face.

Kids huddled in corners called parents

"Too gay to function?" Sam looked at his paper. "Oh god, that's my freshmen year picture. My hair..." He pulled his hoodie up.

"That's only okay when I say it!" Charlie frowned.

Groups of students fought amongst themselves, and Mr. Singer, still in his office a little, had no idea. The announcements teacher ran in.

"Bobby, the kids have gone wild!"

He ran out into the hallway to see the jungle madness. Coach Lilith had two kids pushed apart in either hand.

"Coach, step away from the underaged kids." The principal shouted over the noise. He pulled the fire alarm an the sprinklers turned on. "All juniors report to the school gym, immediately!"

\---

Ever walk past someone and realize they've been talking about you? Ever had that happen with your whole grade? I have. I sat on my own end of the bleachers, and Naomi moved just so she wouldn't be touching me. I looked around the bleachers to see Sam, hiding in a hoodie and sunglasses, next to Charlie.

Principal Singer folded his arms and scowled at the bleachers.

"Never in my 14 years at this school have I seen such a mess. I should cancel your Spring Fling." A sharp 'No!' came from the grade, with a few sarcastic 'no...'s. "But I won't. Because we already paid for the DJ. Coach Lilith ha fled campus, and Ms. Mills has even accused of selling drugs. What you all need an attitude makeover. And we'll keep you all night if we have to."

"We can only keep them until 4 pm." A teacher added.

"And we'll keep you till 4 if we have to. Now let's talk it out." He pointed to a raised hand in the front row. "You start."

"Someone wrote that I'm not a virgin because I use super-jumbo tampons. I can't help it that I have a heavy flow and wide-set vagina."

"I can't do this. Ms. Mills, you are a capable, intelligent, graceful young woman." He rubbed his temples.

"I am?"

"You have a teenage daughter. You can talk to them."

"OK, uh. Everybody close your eyes. I want you to raise your hand if you have ever had someone say something bad about you behind your back. Open your eyes. Now, close your eyes again. And this time, I want you to raise your hand if you have ever said anything about a friend behind their back. Open them. There's been some friend-on-friend crime here. OK. So, what we could do today is a couple exercise to help you express your anger in a healthy way."

Ms. Mills had us confront each other directly about our issues. Every clique had its own problems. Jocks had sports issues, demons had issues with soul collection, art kids had issues with art stuff.

Lucifer stood up. "I just want to say that some of us shouldn't have to take this workshop since we're victims in this situation."

"That's probably true." Lucifer smiled his angel smile. "How many of you have been personally victimized by Lucifer?"

Almost every hand went up, including mine. He sat down with an angry huff.

"Castiel? Do you have anything to own up to?" Ms. Mills said.

Yes. "No."

"Never made up a rumor about anyone?"

Just that you sell drugs. "No."

"Nothing you want to apologize for?"

I couldn't apologize to Ms. Mills without getting the blame for the whole book. "No."

"I'm disappointed in you, Castiel. We're all here because of this book, right? Well, we don't know who wrote it, but you all have to stop calling each other sluts and whores. Now everyone get up here."

Ms. Mills has everyone write an apology to someone we've hurt in our lives.

"Dick, I'm sorry I called you a big mouthed bitch. It's not your fault you have such a big mouth." A leviathan dude turned around and fell into the crowd. We caught him like a crowd surfer and set him down.

Gabriel got up with his card. "Michael, I'm sorry I laughed at you when you got diarrhea in Barnes & Noble once. And I'm sorry for telling everyone. And I'm sorry for saying it again right now." He turned fell into the crowd.

Raphael got up with his card. "Zachariah, I don't hate you because you're fat. You're fat because I hate you." We caught him too.

A girl I didn't know got up with her card. She was crying through her speech.

"I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we'd all eat it and be happy." She sobbed.

Sam shouted from the back. "She doesn't even go here!"

"Do you even go here?" Ms. Mills asked.

"No, I just have a lot of feelings."

"What's your name?"

"Becky Rosen."

"Okay Becky, just- go home, alright?" She helped the girl off the table.

Michael got up to speak. "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. I can't help it that I'm popular." He turned and fell confidently.

The crowd moved out of the way and he hit the gym floor with a thud.

"Ooh. Walk it off, kid." Ms. Mills offered support as Michael brushed himself off.

Charlie got up on the table. "OK, yeah, I've got an apology. So I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced him that it would be fun to mess up Lucifer George's life. So I had him pretend to be friends with Lucifer, and then he would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Lucifer said. And we gave him these candy bar things that would make him gain weight, and we turned his best friends against him. And then... Oh, yeah, Cas… You know my friend Castiel, the one who was Lucifer's fake friend. He made out with Lucifer's boyfriend and then convinced him to break up with Lucifer. Oh, God, and we gave you foot cream instead of face wash. God! I am so sorry, Lucifer. Really, I don't know why I did it. I guess it's probably because I'm such a loner nerd who needed friends. Suck on that!" She made Spock fingers and dove into the crowd, which was chanting her name.

Lucifer gasped and ran from the chanting crowd. I followed after him.

"Luci! Lucifer wait! I didn't mean for this to happen! Luci stop!" I called after him.

He had almost crossed the street to his car when he whirled around, pointing his finger in my face. "No! Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, who's a less-hot version of me. Yeah. So don't try to act so innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it right up your hairy-"

And that's how Lucifer George died.

 

 

I'm totally kidding. He's an angel, he can't be killed by a bus, unless it had an angel blade or something. 

But he got hurt. Some people say they saw his head go all the way around. That's just a rumor. Others say they saw me push him. That's a worse rumor. But he now has some heavy duty casts and braces going on. He's pretty much able to move his face and fingertips.


	8. Social Suicide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas sneaks out to go to the Mathlete State Championship

"I don't know what to believe anymore!" My mom was furious when she heard the days' news.

"Believe me! I'm your son." I huffed.

She opened the cabinet under the sink. "Why is my tribal vase under the sink?"

"What?" I looked up as she pulled the crowd surfing vase from under the sink. "Oh, that tribal vase under the sink. I thought you meant the other... tribal vases... under the sinks..."

"This is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe. Does that mean anything to you?" She set the vase down on the countertop.

"Not really."

"Who are you? You've completely changed, Castiel."

"Great. All my friends hate me, and now so does my own mother." I slumped into my chair dramatically.

My father didn't look up from the paper as he said, "Your mother doesn't hate you. I'm starting to think we mainstream schooled you too quickly. Maybe we should bring you back to homeschooling for a while."

"No!" I gasped. "The only thing worse than going to school is not going to school. Remember when we saw those lions fighting over the warthog carcass? I'll be the warthog."

"You're not a warthog, you're a lion. Just focus on schoolwork. You're a good student, so you should make it through."

I bit my lip. "About that... I need you to sign my calculus test. Because I'm failing."

"Oh, you are? Then you're- what do they call it..." My dad spoke calmly. "Grounded. You're grounded, Castiel."

I sighed and slumped in my seat again. Cherry on the fucking top.

\---

I sat down in my seat in calculus and tried to tune out the gossiping whispers.

"-Pushed him in front of the bus-"

"-all the way around. Like an owl."

"I saw him do it. He pushed Lucifer."

Mr. Singer stood in front of the room asking questions to the students.

"Did Ms. Mills ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?" Oh shit, this is about the page I wrote.

The students shook their heads and Kevin raised his hand.

"Mr. Singer, what are marijuana tablets?" He laughed.

Dean called up to the front. "This is ridiculous, Ms. Mills doesn't sell drugs."

"I know, Dean. But after the allegation towards Coach Lilith turned out to be shockingly true, we have to investigate every claim made in the burn book." He sighed.

Dean fired back. "That book was written by a bunch of stupid guys who make up rumors because they're bored with their own lame lives.."

"Well until someone confesses to making it up, this is how we do things."

Goodbye Dean. You're gonna hate me forever after this. I stood up, and things seemed to move in slow motion. I took a breath and let out my word vomit. This time, for good, not bad.

"Mr. Singer, I wrote it. I made it up."

When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life. I started with Lucifer, who was living proof that the more people are scared of you, the more flowers you get. Then there was Ms. Mills, who was living proof that no good deed goes unpunished.

I walked up to her desk with my quiz.

"Oh hi, here to buy some drugs?" She asked.

"Turning in my quiz." I placed the paper in a stack on her desk.

She uncapped a pen and started to grade it. "You know, having my house searched was really the highlight of my fantastic year. How much trouble did you get on for telling the truth?"

"A lot," I admitted.

"I know you didn't write that whole book yourself. Did you rat out the others or take the blame?"

"I took the blame. I'm trying this new thing where I don't talk about people behind their backs."

I turned back to go to my seat. I apologized to Dean about lying and all the things I said about him being Lucifer's property.

"Thanks. The property part is really Luci's fault, and I think getting hit by a bus was good enough punishment." He smiled his winning smile at me and his freckles jumped around his cheeks.

My test came back with a 94%.

"Welcome back, nerd." He punched my arm playfully.

I went up to Ms. Mills after class and apologized to her too.

"I forgive you, Castiel. But as my own personal form of punishment, I figured out how you're earning your extra credit."

\---

I tugged at the baggy sleeves of my Mathletes jacket.

"I think it's too big." I pulled them down as far as possible so the nylon covered my whole hand.

"It's supposed to be like that, Africa." Kevin showed me how he wore the sleeves. "Alright, let's bet those Marymount sons of birches."

"You nervous?" Ms. Mills asked.

"Yes." I nodded aggressively.

"Well, at least there's no distractions. Not one of those Marymount boys are cute."

We filed onto the stage and sat at our seats, on opposing sides of the Marymount boys.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Kansas High School Mathletes State Championship." The announcer boomed. "Let's start the competition. Here is the first question. Twice the larger of two numbers is three more than five times the smaller, and the sum of four times the larger and three times the smaller is 71. What are...? Lawrence High?"

Kevin buzzed in. "14 and 5."

"That is correct. Question number two. Find an odd three-digit number whose digits add up to 12. The digits are all different, and the difference between the first two digits equals the difference between… - Marymount?"

"741" was the answer the other side gave.

"That is correct." I was rusty.

\---

My dad had yet to realize that the definition of being grounded, was to not be able to leave the house. That made my Mathlete escape a lot easier.

Meanwhile, the votes were being cast for Spring Fling King. Sam was calling out to anyone who hadn't voted should do so now, or forever be stuck with that person in charge of the school activities board. Votes for Lucifer were cast because of his casts from the accident, and votes for me were cast because they thought I pushed him into the bus.

\---

"After 87 minutes of very competitive play, we have a tie. In the event of a tie, we move into a sudden-death round. Each team is given the opportunity to choose their opponent. Lawrence, who do you select?"

"The dude in the middle." Someone whispered.

"Contestant Salvatore." Kevin leaned into his small microphone.

The Marymount boys conferred.

"We choose contestant Novak."

Oh god. That's me.

I shakily got up to the stand. Mr. Salvatore was in need of a major makeover. His outfit looked like a blind nun picked it out of a dollar store, and he needed some serious training on posture. That's when I realized that making fun of him wouldn't help me win.

"Contestants, find the limit of this equation."

Calling someone fat doesn't make you skinnier. Calling someone ugly won't make you prettier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you smarter. And ruining Lucifer's life didn't make mine any better. All you can do is solve the problem in front of you.

"The limit is negative one." He answered.

Shit, we lost.

"Incorrect. If Mr. Novak can answer correctly, we will have a winner." The announcer said through the speakers.

Limits. I couldn't remember anything about them. Think, think, what was it? That was the week that Dean got a new haircut. God, he looked so cute. Focus Cas! The board. Behind Dean's head. The board said something like If the limit doesn't approach anything... The limit- the limit-

"The limit does not exist!" I answered quickly.

"That is correct! Lawrence High School is the winner of the Mathlete State Championship!" The team cheered and jumped and high-fived all around me. My face glowed with a huge smile as members of my team congratulated me.

"We're gonna look so awesome rolling into the Spring Fling in our jackets." Kevin fist-bumped me.

"Oh, I'm actually not going."

"What? Cas, this is your night. Don't let the haters stop you from doing your thang!"

"Did you just say 'thang' with an a?"

"Cas, you shouldn't punish yourself forever." Ms. Mills said.

"I'm grounded."

"Well, you are already out." She offered.

"Uh... I guess I'll go." I caved and Kevin high-fived everyone again.


	9. Spring Fling and the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I need to summarize this? Its all in the chapter title.  
> Its spring fling and an epilogue of sorts

The gym was covered in streamers and flowers and Mr. Singer got up on stage with a line of the school's most popular. "All right, do we have all of our nominees for king and queen on the stage? OK, good. I just wanted to say that you're all winners. And I could not be happier that this school year's ending. Here we go. The winner of the Spring Fling Queen, Kelly Klein!" A cheer erupted in the crowd, as Kelly accepted her crown.

"And your Spring Fling King, future co-chair of the Student Activities Board and winner of two gift certificates to Biggerson's Sizzlin' Grill & Bar," he paused "...is Castiel Novak! Where is Castiel? There he is."

The crowd parted like the Red Sea, and I felt more awkward than ever, surrounded by dresses and tuxedos while I was in a baggy jacket and jeans. I tentatively jogged to the stage and took the plastic crown and the microphone.

"Wow, thank you. Y'know, half the people in this room hate me, and the other half only likes me because they think I pushed someone in front of a bus. That's not great." A small chuckle went through the gym.

"It's not really required to make a speech." Mr. Singer said.

"Just let me finish, I'm almost done. I swear. I apologize to everyone who got hurt by the Burn Book. I've never actually been to a Spring Fling or anything like that before, and I realized how we all get upset about not winning. You all look like royalty. Really, Cole Trenton, your outfit looks amazing. And Hannah, your hairdo must have taken hours. It looks great. So... Why is everyone stressing over this thing? It's only plastic." I took the crown off my head and held it in front of me. "Why couldn't we just..." A thought popped into my head and I smiled as I snapped the crown in two. "Share it." I broke it into smaller pieces. "A piece for Michael Weiners, partial Spring Fling King." I tossed him his crown piece from the other end of the stage.

"Most people just take the crown and go..." Mr. Singer couldn't stop me. I was on a roll.

"A piece for Charlie Bradbury..." She stuck her fragment in her hair. "A piece for Lucifer George, who fractured his spine and still looks like a rock star." I carefully passed it down the line of nominees until it reached him and his casts. "And some for everyone else!" I tossed a handful of bits of the plastic crown into the audience.

I ran down to meet with Charlie and Sam, who were in matching tuxes, sticking my fragment behind my ear.

"Look, I'm a king!" Sam flaunted his piece, stuck into his hair.

"As am I," Charlie said, fixing hers into place.

"So are we still fighting?" I asked tentatively.

"That depends. Are you still an asshole?" Charlie said.

"Hmm..." I chewed my lip in mock thought. "Nope, don't think so."

"Then we're not fighting."

Suddenly, the music changed to a song I recognized, for once. It was Heat of the Moment by... Not Europe. Or Africa. That's that song by Toto that I definitely know. Oh- Asia! These old bands used too many continent names.

"Ooh! I love this song." Charlie squealed.

Sam shuddered and shoved his hands in the pockets of his tuxedo. "I hate this song."

"I know this song!" I found the bright side of things.

"Your Man Candy, stage right." Sam shoved me in the direction of Dean, at the snack table.

"Hey, I didn't think you'd make it!" He smiled and handed me the gift card. "I'm here to present you with your gift card for Biggerson's."

"And I have to present you with your crown, King Dean." I pulled a section of crown out of my pocket.

He took it and stuck it into his hair. "I'm the princess."

I laughed as he regally straightened his posture, fit for a princess.

"So I heard you guys won state. Congrats on winning the tiebreaker, by the way. Sounds like you did good. " He said, fingering his crown protectively.

"Ugh, I thought I was gonna puke the whole time, I was so nervous." He leaned back a little bit, wary. "I'm fine now."

"You haven't been drinking?" He asked.

"Nope."

He relaxed. "Okay, grool."

I laughed. I looked over to see Gabriel talking to Sam closely. Sam seemed to be complaining about the song, as Gabriel hung on to every word like he hung on to candy. His current choice in sweets was a small red lollipop.

"They seem to get along well," I commented.

"Almost too well..." Dean narrowed his eyes with comical protective suspicion.

"I'm just spitballing here, but could you imagine if they actually got together?" I laughed. "That could be very good, or very bad."

"Hypothetically if it goes bad, Gabe might find himself hypothetically in the same situation as Luci. Hypothetically broke up with a Winchester and hypothetically broke a bone or seven." I started to think he wasn't speaking in a hypothetical sense.

"Just in case you listen to rumors, I didn't push Luci in front of the bus." I wanted to make sure he didn't think I would do that.

"A little disappointed you didn't, but glad. I didn't really think you would have done that." He said and I sighed with relief.

\---

In case you're wondering, The God Squad broke up. Lucifer's spine healed, and his physical therapist taught him to channel all his rage into sports. He joined lacrosse and beat the crap out of the opposing teams. It was perfect because the jocks weren't afraid of him. Gabriel used his special talents to do the morning weather announcements

The weather crew set up outside the school, Sam behind the camera, and Gabriel on the other end. He fluffed out his wings and rubbed his temples. He appeared to be channeling his weather report.

"Hi, this is Gabriel Smith with the weather. It's 68 degrees and there's a 30% chance it's already raining."

Sam's hair was plastered to his face and neck, dripping with rain. "Hon- that's not really how it works. It's a 100% chance of rain."

"Oh my god, are you psychic too? Our kids are gonna be like, X-Men."

"That- it really doesn't work like that Gabe. And the X-Men are mutants, not angels."

Charlie called from behind Sam. "You're forgetting Warren Worthington the Third!"

"He's a mutant with wings!" Sam replied, then turned the camera around to face him. "Anyways. It's raining!"

And Michael found himself a new clique and now hung out with the sexually active demons. I don't have a crush on Dean anymore. Because you don't call your boyfriend a crush. Dean and I are still together, and Dean is still the princess. Now he's my princess. Lucky for Gabriel's bones, no hypothetical breakups happened with Sam and Gabriel. Although Charlie and Sam still have to educate Gabriel on their nerd stuff.

And me? I went from homeschooled jungle-freak to leader of the God Squad, to 'Most Likely to Murder a Classmate' for yearbook superlatives, to normal angel. Junior Year was wild. It was like a shark tank feeding frenzy, and now I can just float.

I crossed the path in front of the school to sit on the grass with my clique. Not exactly a clique, just a mash of human and angel, jock and prep, nerd and former popular kid, shoved together by fate. Altogether, we were just friends. A few were, as they say, 'more than friends.' It doesn't mean best friends. I thought that at first, so it was very confusing when I thought Dean asked to be besties. I friend zoned him on accident.

I sat down cross-legged in the grass in between Charlie and Dean, who were making gross faces at each other while Sam and Gabe did their lovey-dovey couple thing. Gabriel was now braiding dandelions into Sam's hair.

"Quit doing your cutesy hair salon thing and get a room." Dean fake-gagged. I know he doesn't really gag that easy. You know what I mean.

"I think it's adorable. Don't you agree, Princess?" I rested my head on Dean's shoulder.

"Nothing compares to how adorable you are, Cassie-poo." He kissed my cheek.

"Why don't you two get a room too? Jeez, I'm a fifth wheel. Where's Gilda when you need her?" Gilda is Charlie's new girlfriend, who moved away at the end of the summer. They met at a LARPing thing, which we all do together now.

"Check it out, junior plastics." Sam nodded towards a small group of freshmen angels strutting towards the school.

"Sammy, you messed up the braid!" Gabriel pouted and settled for revenge pigtails, then sat down and leaned on Sam as a backrest.

"He just walks all over you, man." Dean shook his head like he wasn't a total pushover when I asked for something.

Sam just shrugged and smiled as he fluffed up Gabriel's feathers.

Finally, we were all at peace. It's not like we didn't bicker about comics and messed up hair dos and all, but nobody got hit by any busses or got accused of selling drugs. That's our version of peace. And if any freshmen decided to screw that up, we knew just how to take care of them. We had the bus keys ready. Just kidding.


End file.
